Birthdays are events that come once a year in which one celebrates the day they were ripped from a mother’s amenities included womb and brought into society. Most of us were born in hospitals, some at home, some in cars stuck in traffic, maybe even a Wal-Mart or two. No matter what, all beings suffer from the let down that is the birthday. My 20th birthday was July 28th. Not only did I have to suffer from the awful fact that I am no longer one of teenage youth, but also the random “suckiness” that is a birthday. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “suckiness” is not a word. And I would have to agree with you.

You see, when ones birthday draws near, a sense of anticipation consumes the individual. Try as one may, the imminent arrival of the day is coming, and one can only imagine the glory that waits. Perhaps you will awake in the morning with a sudden realization of all things. You will become wiser, respect all cultures, and have a general concern for humanity. Alas, you will awake on your futon the same as the day before, then go to the gas station and put $60 in your SUV.

You will then proceed to your work, school, local store, crack house etc. in hopes of running into some birthday joy. Any individual you run into you feel the overwhelming urge to announce, “GUESS WHAT? ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND NOT YOURS HA-HA!” Some may be able enough to suppress such urges, but other like myself will not and in return be given and half-hearted smile and the response, “that’s nice”.

Any chance you get, you will use the excuse, “Well, it’s my birthday”. You will feel the urge to sit in the middle of the floor in the mall, not tip your waitress, sit around naked, whatever. Also, this is used when getting out of sticky situations. I.E. hitting a pedestrian with your SUV. Well, it is your birthday and all.

If you are lucky enough, friends and family will join together to celebrate this event. You will think that they really want to do this. In fact, they do not want to be there, and are only there for the cake and are totally pissed because they are missing Crusin’. So you’ll get some presents, some candles you don’t want, a half used bottle of lotion, and some Swiss Miss Cakes your grandma got in the clearance section. You may even received everything you asked for, an I Pod, a Plasma TV, motorcycle, yarn, whatever floats your boat, but you still will not be satisfied.

If your friends have no time for a real life, they might even throw you a surprise party. But it won’t be a surprise, because everyone expect and surprise party on a birthday, even if you don’t get one.

Birthdays are the most unsatisfying day of they year. I don’t care how humble of a person you are, you always expect a little more. So I’ve come up with what I feel is a suitable situation for a birthday event.

You are dressed up in the most magnificent attire ever... paid for by PBS and NPR (Hey, we’re always giving them money). A celebrity of your choice enters your home. (Serenading is optional, but strongly recommended). You and your celebrity then go sky diving and both land safely on the ground. The celebrity then tells you how good looking you are, even after just jumping out of a plane. (Making out with the celebrity here is also an option, but not recommended in cases such as Dennis Franz). The celebrity of choice then presents you with a check for 1 million dollars. The celebrity then tells you that he does genie work on the side, and grants you three wishes. After reviewing the Terms and Agreements that go with the wish doing, the celebrity of choice will then disappear into a cloud of smoke.

This is the only proper way a birthday will feel satisfying.

I am grateful for all the presents I received, but you cannot deny my words.

*WARNING* Unsatisfied birthday’s often lead to the “self-gifting” in which an individual buys something he or she doesn’t really need but thinks is necessary.

Exhibit A: CROCs... So ugly, yet so orthopedic!


Happy birthday to me...