This morning I came downstairs to find my mother walking into the kitchen. She noticed the cat was on the table. She then pointed her finger at it and said, “Sit your drunk ass on the empty runway!”

I turned around, and went back upstairs.

I was dreaming, of what I cannot remember, and the world was quite. Suddenly I was awoken by a sound. My eyes snapped open and I was afraid to move. It was a noise I dreaded to hear, a noise I haven’t heard in 4 months. A sound that caused me to lose sleep and become angry at the world. This sound was that of a basketball on cement.

You see I live next to a sort of day care. Actually I’m not sure if it’s a day care or just a place that manufactures children, robot children, because there is more and more everyday. For the past 4 months the cold Michigan weather has kept these creatures inside. But spring has sprung and the children have come out to play. I know your thinking, “You’re blowing this out of proportion. They’re just children, how much damage can they do really?” Well how would you like it if every Saturday and Sunday you wake at 6:30 am to the echoing sounds of a rubber ball being smacked repeatedly on the concrete only a few feet away from your window?

And I know it doesn’t sounds all that bad, and really it isn’t. But the children play a game, I think it’s called "Who can Scream like they’re Being Mauled By a Bear the Loudest?" It’s a charming game where they scream bloody murder for no reason at all. This game leaves the neighbors asking if they should call the cops, or the paramedics from the heart attack they just had.

So now I’m sure you’re saying, “Ok, so they’re loud but that’s how kids are.” Well why don’t you shut your face. These kids are felons I tell you. Last summer my mother walked outside to find the youngest one, age 4, crawling out of her SUV. The mother or “leader” than told us she had learned it from watching Mr. Rogers. Now I don’t recall Mr. Rogers (rest his soul) ever encouraging breaking and entering. Maybe Mr. McFeely, he was shifty, but never Mr. Rogers.

Maybe I’m just jealous that when I was their age I had no one to play with, but when I was their age I sat inside all day and watched hours of Night Court, Cheers, Out of This World, and The Cosby Show and I was happy. And now they got a puppy to add to the screaming racket. A robot puppy I’m sure. I’m sure the androids and their makers are nice, and they have a really pretty dark green lawn, but I guess what I’m saying is… can you just stop with the basketball, please?

http://pbskids.org/rogers/