Tonight, in the few moments I had to watch TV, a new Oxiclean commercial came on. This commercial, like most laundry detergent commercials, featured a soccer mom with a short but perky hair cut, going through her families dirty clothes to put in the wash. And because she obviously fits the criteria of a soccer mom, and since this is an American laundry detergent commercial, she pulls out a soccer uniform. To this she gasps and exclaims, “Oh no! Not grass stains again!” Then the viewing audience really has to sympathies for her, because she looks like a stay at home mom, and grass stains on a soccer uniform is really going to mess up her Montel watching.

But right then the doorbell rings. Who can it be? WHY BILLY MAYES! And two others in jumper suits. They really have no purpose, but probably got high one night and dared each other to snort the Oxiclean and have been avid Billy Mayes followers ever since. For those of you who have somehow missed him, Billy Mayes promotes Oxiclean products by spitting, screaming and scaring his way into your home at all hours of the day.

Billy magically transports himself to this woman’s laundry room with his tub of Oxiclean and a giant tank filled with water. And with his wonderful container of over priced flour he makes all the bad go away for this woman. Pulling each item out of the laundry basket saying things like “Remember the wine stain?” I believe the question is Billy… how did you know about the wine stain? Or is there something this soccer mom isn’t telling us. He wastes no time as he makes everything look new again, all while hollering at this women who is two feet away from him. And this whole time she is staring at him, jaw dropped, like he is the second coming of Christ, here to wash away all of our ring-around-the-collar dilemmas.

Then we are left alone with him. It’s just you and him and his projectile spit. He begins to tell you about all his magnificent cleaners. And just when you think he’s done, just when you think he can’t have anything better, he throws in a double size and gives you a jumbo pack. Dear god Billy, stop the madness! Then he leaves, and to this we can only assume that the woman eats her rice cakes with Montel Williams and no longer stresses about her bastard son’s grass stains anymore. Thanks to the one and only Billy Mayes, all is right with the world.
www.oxiclean.com